The Journey

I think so much of my little boy, waiting for me on the other side of the earth.  I'm so anxious for him to be home here with us.  But is this his home?  Yes, it will be, one day it will be.  But what journey for him to be here, at home - his home? 

I know my journey.  Thinking again of adoption, looking at those children, those beautiful children, waiting, waiting for families. 

Then just for the fun of it researching agencies.  No, I can't adopt again - I'm just thinking about it.  How could I?  One big reality of adoption is - it does cost a lot of money.  It does, that's reality.  Just looking, looking at the beautiful children, waiting. 

Oh, what about that old retirement fund from my old job that I was going to one day add to my current retirement fund.  One day I'll do that.  Ok, today I'll do it - I have the paperwork, I just need to get it filled out.  But never getting it transferred.  I could use that.  It's just the amount I need for an adoption from China.  Is that a sign? But I can't adopt from China - singles can't adopt from there any more.  Ok, I'll adopt from another country, but I don't have enough money.  Looking, looking at those beautiful children, waiting, waiting for a family. 

Faith.  It'll come, the money will come.  Just do it.  Start the process.  Looking and seeing those beautiful children waiting.

What!?  China!  China is opening up to singles again!  Looking, looking at those beautiful children.  That's him!  He's my boy!  So it's off to the paper race! Hurry up, hurry up, hurry up and wait! Oh, the agony of waiting.  How can I wait for him to be home and in my arms, my little boy.  My precious little boy.  My journey.

But his journey.  My little boy's journey. His is a whole different journey. 

So snug and warm in his mother's womb his journey begins. For nine months he's carried, so safe, snug and warm.  Then his birth day. Of course we don't know the circumstances of his birth and we likely never will.  But we can safely I think, surmise a bit.  Oh, the joy of the birth of a boy, a boy needed by his parents in their old age to care for them.  Then the agony of knowing that this boy, this beautiful baby boy born in this country, will not be able to care for himself, much less his parents in their old age, without proper medical care.  This is his journey.

This beautiful country which has so many beautiful people, people who do love their children, but don't have the financial means to care for a child born to them with severe medical needs. And of course I don't 'know' this either, but I have a mother's heart and I can't fathom the agony the first mother of this beautiful baby boy went through knowing that she cannot keep him and then someone making that agony final.  That all is part of his journey. The pain and grief of that first loss, the loss of his first mother, first family.  And it is a grief that he will always have with him.  Maybe not always outwardly showing, but there nonetheless.  I know that.  That, that loss is part of his journey. 

Then losing another family, a foster family.  And eventually losing another family, his orphanage family.  These are all losses for him and with this mother's heart I grieve for him already. I know that grief, I've felt it before. It breaks my heart, the grief of those little hearts and in those beautiful eyes as once again his family walks away from him and this time leaves him with someone who looks like no-one he has ever seen before and who smells funny too.  This is part of his journey.

Then he smiles, tentatively, and starts to warm up to us.  We get to know each other a bit more each day.  This beautiful boy, learning who we are, these strange people who he doesn't know yet, but will be his forever family.  This is part of his journey. 

Is this my new home?  Here in this hotel with these people?  No, we move on and he faces another loss, the loss of his province, where he's been since he was born.  His place, what he was named for.  This is part of his journey. 

We arrive at another place and get settled in and we continue to get to know each other a bit more each day. We play and we shop and we enjoy this beautiful place.  Is this my home?  Is this where I will be forever?  No, yet again we take him away.  This time he loses his country.  His country of birth. The country where everyone except his new mother looks like him.  This is part of his journey.

But finally we arrive, we're home.  We're home!  We're finally home! This is his journey home.

Yes, I think of him a lot - my little boy, waiting for me on the other side of the earth.  And I think of the journey he will make to come home.